I used to be nice
I used to be nice.
Growing up, I really don’t remember feeling angry much.
I did go through a period during my teen years of feeling a lot of what I would call ‘righteous anger’. Afterall, Micah 6:8 says, “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your GOD.”
I remember being on the marching band bus as we were performing in the parade at State Fair. The kids were picking on a girl and I stood up and ‘let them have it’. I cannot remember what I said, but I do recall the bus being very quiet afterwards.
Now I often feel anger rise in me…
“You want me to do what?? You want me to drive my rig 12 hrs home with 3 horses, a dog who even though 50 lbs loves to sit on Matt’s lap and Matt with a midline in his arm. And, you want me to give him an infusion ½ way home. He has not even walked the last 7 days and is just now coming out of confusion!”
Yes, I can often feel anger rise in me and if I let it overflow, I feel pretty horrible about it. Afterall, Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.”
Is something wrong with my heart??
Today, I thought I’d take you through my recent journey with anger. Somehow I am guessing that others might relate and it might have wider insights.
Quick background:
As I said, I don’t remember being super familiar with feeling angry until a few years ago. It seems to have started slowly over the years though as Matt and I walked together through his medical issues (MS, heart, kidney stones, etc). I remember crying - and then sobbing to the sweetest client ever on the phone when they diagnosed Matt with dementia (from his MS) and again sobbing when unexpectedly we were told he needed brain surgery. Yet, I prided myself in girding up under pressure. I also prided myself in the fact that I had learned if I don’t react to Matt’s anger (from the dementia), it basically goes away and all is well.
The anger seemed to increase when my parents came to live with us from 2018 to 2021 - both of them making it into their ‘90s while with us. Don’t get me wrong - some of my sweetest, most precious memories came from this time, but it had its challenges. My Mom did not handle pain well after her stroke. I remember one night losing it after 6 hours of her screaming and me not being able to figure out what hurt. It ended up being a sore under her breast. I yelled at her exasperated, “You couldn’t tell me this?” She just gave me the sweetest look and raised her shoulders and shrugged. Ugh. As I was tucking her in at 2 a.m., I said, “You know I love you.” I was feeling pretty bad about my outburst. She smiled angelically and said, “I know.”
I thought the anger should have passed when my parents passed. I am chagrined to say it stayed and pops up more times than I’d like to say. I recently decided I was not putting up with me any more. My observations were that 1) I let it. I literally have not dealt with it. 2) I rationalize a lot. (I’m tired. Matt doesn’t listen. Matt is always mad. The healthcare industry makes it difficult for caregivers. The healthcare industry can literally save a person and then suck a lot - case in point a doctor here literally missed that Matt’s labs indicated that he had staph e and released Matt from the hospital leading to me bringing him back with the rig, horses dog and midline., etc).
Yes, I long to live my life with fruits of the Spirit bubbling over rather than anger. Gaationsl 5 lists them - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Yes, that last one was self control!
Where did I turn to for help? Well, not my friends. Wonderfully and sadly, they also rationalize and always make me feel better about my bad behavior. I turned to GOD and His Word - thus, all the verses in this blog. I asked him to help me understand why I am getting angry. A super simple question that I should have asked long ago and should be easy to see, but I just did not want to deal with it. The answer? First, anger gets me through. It has become my crutch. I don’t whine or cry when asked to drive 12 hrs with someone that can verily walk and need bathroom breaks. I put my head down and plow through… getting angry. Second, I grew up in Minnesota nice and Lutheran (yikes). I am not good at being blunt and have realized that anger gets people’s attention. It almost makes anger sound beneficial =) It is not, ever. It sadly leaves a path of destruction. I want to leave people happier, not sader.
Thus, I am now trying to stop myself when I feel anger start to rise and instead ask the LORD for His strength. I am also working on being a lot more blunt. Nice, but blunt. I put apologies on both the front end and the back. And, third, I am starting to realize that I need a bigger, longer term plan. The MS started for us in the early ‘90s. It is not going away and is complicated by every other issue.
I am hoping that sharing today might be helpful to someone, perhaps just one. The world is moving very fast, our industry is changing even faster. I see a lot of anger in the world. I am wondering if many have stopped to analyse it and think of a better approach. As the world swirls even faster, we might need to take a breath, just a beat and move a step slower. I know I need to.
~ Heidi Habben | Owner